...when I used to update this?

I don't know what to do with myself all summer. I want to move back down to Georgia for awhile, just because I miss being around people outside of my family. I don't have anything in common with any of my friends here anymore. The only person that really gets me is my 13-going-on-25 year old cousin (who I would totally adopt if I could somehow. She's amazing.) I don't have a job anymore. I just sit around my house and play games all day. It's a really sad, sad summer.

Brittani's family and I are constantly fighting about things. I hate it. I wish she could just come back and fix everything. I keep feeling like it's all my fault she died. I was supposed to be with her that night and she never sped or drove like a crazy when I was in the car because she knew how nervous I got ever since Zack died. I keep feeling like if I had been there, she would still be alive. She was supposed to go to a wedding that night and I talked her out of it so she could come with me to the Athens Human Rights Festival. We ended up getting about 10 minutes from school when it started pouring, so we turned around and went back to the apartment, went grocery shopping, and then she dropped me off at my dorm so she could get ready to go out for Ross's birthday. Maybe if she would have went to the wedding, maybe if we wouldn't have turned around, maybe she would still be here and I could text her about how my summer sucks and how I'm going to hitchhike to Georgia and she'd send me pictures of Ferocia and tell me about how she's going crazy in Texas. The last thing we texted each other about was that the RD of the guys' dorm walking back to the dorm from the pool with his shirt off. I guess it's kind of funny, in a way.

I just wish there was someone around who is going through the same thing. It was so comforting to have everyone at Beth's apartment after it happened. It was nice to know that if I couldn't get ahold of myself and started crying and wouldn't be able to sleep, Hayden would be right there. Or if I couldn't stand being alone in my room anymore, Levi would show up with Wendy's and we'd sit in the pavillion until morning talking about nothing and watching slugs crawl across the floor.

I have to have my senior research paper proposal done and sent to the English department tonight. I don't know how I'm going to do that.

I'm home. It's true. Levi drove me up here last Wednesday and left me on Saturday. I miss him a lot.

Things have been okay. I still haven't had a nervous breakdown, which I guess is good. I know I'm going to end up having one, I just wish it'd happen soon and I could get it over with. I start back to work tomorrow and work every day this weekend. It'll be nice to have something to help me keep my mind off of things. I need to buy a new pair of crocs before I leave tomorrow (I work at the Crocs store, if you didn't know.). My pink ones are pretty beat up. I love my discount. :D

I need to come up with a book for my senior research project. I just finished reading The Bell Jar and I'm halfway through The Catcher in the Rye. I have a list of books I'm considering that I still need to either go buy or get from the library. I have no idea what I'm doing for this. The Bell Jar is on the top of my list right now, with Alice in Wonderland following close behind it. I really wanted to write about politics in Dr. Seuss's books, but the English department didn't approve it. Sad. I'm really glad I have time to read now. It's the best part of the summer. I'm especially excited that it's warm outside and I can sit outside of the store (which is in an open-air outlet mall) and read on my break instead of having to sit on the floor in the back room or sprinting halfway down the outlets in -12 windchill to sit in the coffee place.

I want a bumpit.

I wish I would have taken classes in May at school. As much as I'm glad I'm home, I kind of miss my bed in Jackson. Sam's sick and I'm not there to take care of her. It's making me sad.

El fin.

Brittani died yesterday. God's been being a douchebag the past three years. I don't understand why he couldn't have waited an extra, like, six days so she could graduate. She worked so hard for that. Her dog has been asleep in my bed all night. She's been shaking a lot. I really think she knows.

This whole thing is so unreal. I'm waiting for her to call me and be like "jk!" Ugh. Yesterday, during the service thing they had for her when everyone found out, I kept wanting to text her and be like "omg there are so many people here." haha.  I have no idea who I'm going to tell all of my random things to now.

I feel like I have to be the strong one and be the mother or something. I don't know what else to do.

 

[I think it's appropriate to update my xanga since we always joked about how we need to do that when something random happened, especially recently.]